Mike Buzzelli

I fell asleep on the couch the other day, lights on, television blaring. I don’t know how it happened. I have believed myself to be a light sleeper. Apparently, I believe a lot of goofy things.

The other day I heard a woman tell her friend, “I got my shots.” It took all of my front teeth to bite down on my lip because I wanted to say, “Good girl. You still have to be careful about parvo, though.”

If you call me up and tell me you have a car problem, the best I can do is wait with you until AAA arrives. I don’t even know how to fix a flat tire. I don’t know jack about jacks. I’m afraid of them. I assume they will come crashing down on me and crush me under the car.

I spend some time every week researching weird news. I do it for you. So that you don’t have to visit all the strange corners of the internet. Somehow, these corners lead to porn ... so it’s more like a circle or a cul de sac. All roads lead to nakedness.

I have tried very hard not to be political in this column, but an issue of dire political consequence has come to my attention, and I must speak out. I can no longer hold my tongue: Pennsylvania does not have a state dinosaur. For shame.

Humor isn’t always easy. Certainly, 2020 was not cooperative, and 2021 is having a really wobbly start, but I’m looking on the bright side of life.

In early December, Santa came down my street in a horse-drawn carriage and gave out presents to the kids. Normally, the kids would sit on Santa’s lap. Because of COVID-19, we took a picture of my great-nephew in front of the sleigh. We were Santa adjacent.

I got an email from a co-worker who asked, “How’s your WFH situation?”

I am not known for my dexterity and poise. I am quite the opposite of those things. Grace is something I’d say before Christmas dinner. It’s definitely not a quality I possess. I’m not light on feet like a cat. I’m agile like a hippopotamus. In certain circles, the word “klutz” has been band…

I have reluctantly entered the 21st century, kicking and screaming. I bought a new cellphone. The latest one. I now own the iPhone 12S with 5G. All those letters and numbers impress my tech-savvy friends, but I have no idea what it means. I just have to say the letters and numbers in the rig…

October was rough. It is usually my favorite month. It’s got my birthday and Halloween. Two of my favorite holidays! My birthday, Oct. 11, often falls around, or near, Columbus Day. For years, I thought banks and post offices closed to celebrate me. Why wouldn’t they? I’m a national treasure.

When my alarm goes off, I get up, walk across the room and turn it off. It’s far away from me for two reasons. One, the electrical wiring in my room is screwy; the outlet by my bed shuts off when you turn the lights out. Two, it’s much harder to hit snooze and fall back asleep when you have …

It happened again. I walked into Starbucks, donned my mask and ordered my beverage: black, unsweetened iced tea. She must have seen me. She took my order and my credit card, but she continued to jabber to her coworker as if I wasn’t even there.

A few weeks ago, I bought a new car. Well. It’s new to me. It’s a 2015, therefore, it’s from this decade – technically. The new decade starts in 2021. We don’t start anything on a zero. The new decade starts Jan. 1, 2021. Please direct all of your complaint letters to the nearest garbage can…

I keep telling you the world is getting weirder, but do you listen? I don’t know. I’m shouting in a vacuum over here. I look pretty silly yelling at a Dyson V8.

Recently, someone asked me, “Do you wanna be famous?” It might have been the Pussycat Dolls talking to me through the radio – but whatever. The question saddened me because I realized I was not yet famous. I’m only whipping out my pen and scrawling my stylized signature on checks – for the g…

One word can really ruin a sentence. Take for example: I almost made it home. The key to the whole sentence is the word “almost.” The word invalidates the rest of the statement. It’s a tiny word that causes a lot of mischief, like that Mayhem guy from the insurance commercials.

You guys, the year is getting ever stranger. If you haven’t noticed, 2020 is one long Twilight Zone episode. Weirdos in the news is not unique to this year, but earlier this year NASA announced, “Yeah. UFOs are a thing,” and no one even cared.

Once upon a time, I had this awful temp job where the boss shoved a thick manual at me and said, “Figure it out.” No training. He just tossed a thick photocopied, spiral-bound book into my arms. At my desk, I tried to read the book and do the job at the same time. It was a lot like juggling …

I like to listen to people talk. No, not my friends and family. (They’ll be quick to point out that I don’t really listen to them.) I like to listen to total strangers.

Last week, I made my triumphant return to my day job in downtown Pittsburgh. You would think it would be easy to slip right back into the routine, but it wasn’t.

Dear COVID-19, I miss standing up in front of people and telling jokes. I miss the laughter – and the occasional groan.

A bunch of people are reporting that they’re having weird dreams since we began self-isolating. My dreams have always been a bit weird. I didn’t know they were ever supposed to make sense. They’re dreams. Here’s a clue: If you’re flying or having a conversation with a rabbit, you are most li…

On New Year’s Eve, I remember people cheered the end of 2019. They were very excited to enter the New Year. Yeah. About that. Our current situation makes 2019 look like a walk in the park – without a mask or gloves!

I never thought the day would come, but I am officially sick of television. As a kid, I laid in front of the boob tube, elbows propped up my head as I gazed into the small screen (it was only 12 inches wide at the time). Television was my best friend back then.

Yes, everyone is talking about the COVID-19 virus. While I will mention it peripherally, I am on to bigger, more important matters.

In 2019, 40 new words were added to the dictionary. Now you can confound your Scrabble friends with all of the new words and get away with it.

As a standup comedian, I’ve been pretty lucky. I haven’t had to deal with very many hecklers.

There are some horrible things going on in the world, but sometimes you stumble upon a story about a really dumb criminal. Stories about thieves who get caught are my favorite kind, but this dude should win an award.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have Arithmophobia, a fear of math. I’m not just bad at it. I am afraid of it. When people say they are afraid of snakes or spiders, I tell them I’m afraid of numerals. Excel spreadsheets give me the heebie jeebies.

It didn’t happen on purpose, but someone purloined my gym socks from the locker room. It had to be an inadvertent and unintentional swipe, because they were sweaty and the left one had a hole where my pinky toenail had cut its way free.

I did some last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. It was a warm, sunny day in December (those words don’t go together very often), and I ran around for some odds and ends before the official start of the holiday.

I did it again. I broke another toe. This time I broke the Piggy-Who-Gets-Roast Beef, but I also injured the Piggy-That-Gets-None. Twenty years ago, I broke the same toe on the right foot. I still find it frustrating that toes don’t have names. It’s just the big toe and all the other toes. F…

I am preparing for a great fall. I need to specify: I am a known klutz, but – this time – I mean autumn. I have never really embraced the season before. For too long, I think of the fall as a precursor to winter, and winter is definitely not my thing.

Comedy is funny. I mean, obviously. But it’s not just “funny ha-ha,” it’s “funny strange.” Most people think it’s pure chaos. If you’ve ever seen the early appearances of Robin Williams on “The Tonight Show,” it sure looks like chaos (use your YouTube, kids). But there was even a method to R…

It’s been a good summer so far. I’ve been to the pool, the beach and a water park. I’ve gotten wet and wild while enjoying the sun.

Recently, I celebrated my niece’s wedding. I ate way too many cookies from the cookie table (a tradition), and bumped into way too many people doing the slide dances, both Electric and Cha Cha. They’d go right, I’d go left. They zigged, I zagged. I’m not so good at line dances.

Dear Mr. John Cena,

Last weekend, I went down to Washington, D.C., with a group of friends. My friend Michael and I were sharing a room at the Wardman Park Marriott, which is a stately, venerable hotel right on the Metro line. It also has an outdoor pool (one of my requirements).

It was standing room only on the bus ride home the other day. Much to my chagrin, I stood near the front of the bus.

There is a certain madness in going to the grocery store. Just when you have the layout memorized, they move everything. Aisle three is no longer cereal! That’s news! Someone should put this headline above the fold: They’ve rearranged the Shop ‘n Save!

Everyone is afraid of something. I had a long list, but, over the years, I’ve gotten over some of my deepest, darkest fears. For example, I’m no longer afraid of suspension bridges or general dentistry.

“Avengers: Endgame” is smashing box office records before it even arrives in theaters later this week, and I am very excited.

Last time we were together I regaled you with stories about wackadoos in the state of Florida doing all sorts of weird and illegal things (by the way, there is a restaurant named Wackadoo’s in Orlando, and it couldn’t have been more aptly named or more conveniently located).

What the heck is happening in the Sunshine State? There’s a new Internet game called “Florida Man.” It’s easy and fun to play. Just Google the words “Florida Man” and add your birthday (just the day and month – the year is unnecessary). Several surprising results appeared.

I’ve been very unlucky with condiments. Looking back, I have several embarrassing moments involving crushed red pepper, ketchup and Italian salad dressing.

This month, I had a joke published in the Reader’s Digest. Most people I told would cock their head and say, “Huh. They STILL make Reader’s Digest?”

Once upon a time, I was meeting my friend Sandy at the movies. I stood outside the theater, waiting impatiently. I kept thinking, “If she shows up right now, I have time to go get popcorn, go to the restroom and see all the trailers.”

A few years ago, I read an article about children. They took tests from grade school kids and showed off their most ridiculous answers, because kids say the darndest things. One particular answer struck me as right, even though the teacher didn’t like it.

During the holidays, I get together with my cousins for The Great Gingerbread Contest. We start the evening building gingerbread houses. We use graham crackers, old iced tea cartons and leftover Halloween candy to build our holiday masterpieces. By the way, it’s not just houses. In the past,…

Today is the last day to go to the gym before it gets mobbed by newcomers. The drugstore will probably sell out of Chantix, but there will be one more empty stool at the bar. At midnight, people will make some crazy vows they can’t keep.