Time to start healing relationships damaged in campaign
Rev. Erik Hoeke
Dr. Jayna Bonfini, California University of Pennsylvania assistant professor and licensed professional counselor
Dr. Jo Ann Jankoski, associate professor of human development and social studies at Penn State University Eberly campus
Rachel Michaels
The 2020 presidential election was, at least, a contentious and polarizing contest, and it’s created divisions among families and friends.
Relatives aren’t speaking to family members, and people are dropping friends on Facebook and Instagram because of which candidate they supported in the election.
The election is over, but many are wondering if the relationships that were damaged during the tumultuous campaign season can be repaired.
“A lot of people say they’re not sure if it’s possible at this point to heal those divisions, but I think it is,” said the Rev. Erik Hoeke, pastor at Avery United Methodist Church in Washington. “I acknowledge there are people who won’t be part of healing a relationship, but it’s up to each of us to determine if we want to be in a relationship with people with whom we disagree.”
In today’s political climate, that’s getting harder to do.
A recent Pew Research Center report on Americans’ views of the opposite political party concluded that the level of division and animosity – including negative sentiments among partisans toward the members of the opposing party – has deepened.
Nearly 80% of Americans now have “just a few” or no friends at all across the aisle, according to Pew.
One of the biggest divides, says Dr. Jayna Bonfini, assistant professor and licensed professional counselor at California University of Pennsylvania, is that people believe their parties’ most significant differences are no longer rooted in policy, but in core human values.
According to another Pew poll, Republicans say Democrats are “more immoral” when compared with other Americans; Democrats say the same about Republicans.
And another study finds that 8 in 10 Republicans believe the Democratic Party is a socialist party, while 8 out of 10 Democrats believe the Republican Party is controlled by racists.
“You can agree to disagree about a lot of things, but that doesn’t apply for things like racism and basic human rights,” said Bonfini.
Local experts recently offered suggestions for repairing damaged relationships – and all agree that a willingness to listen to the other side, along with the desire to have a healthy relationship with people who don’t share your views, is important.
“We don’t listen to each other anymore. We listen only to respond, not to understand,” said Dr. Jo Ann Jankoski, associate professor of human development and social studies at Penn State University Eberly campus. “We get wrapped up in our emotions and we respond, and we say and do hurtful things. But is it really worth throwing away a relationship? Relationships are resilient, and we can move on by acknowledging it’s OK to have differences. Just because you voted for candidate ‘A’ doesn’t mean I’m going to stop caring for you.”
Finding common ground – and shared values – can help repair a relationship between people who passionately disagree on politics.
Hoeke pointed out that members of Avery Church includes Democrats and Republicans who have varying political opinions, but, he said, “we all have the shared value of our faith, and everybody who’s a part of our church cares about caring for the least, the last and the lost, and we all care about helping our community in tangible ways.”
Hoeke said his congregation includes people who supported presidential candidates from the Democratic, Republican and Libertarian parties, “and we all manage to stand in relationship with each other. We remind ourselves the values we share as a community are more important than the differences we have.”
California University’s Bonfini suggested limiting social media and biased information platforms.
“Younger people tend to swear by social media, and it gives you what you want. You can make all your news and information feeds sanitized to your beliefs,” said Bonfini. “You only get your information from the right or the left, and you think ‘How can they think like that?'”
The election, Bonfini said, took a toll on relationships between students on campus. She noted there were reports of young adults tracking down voter registration information of friends and ending friendships or reporting their party affiliation online.
And, the experts say, it’s time to restore civility to conversations.
That, says Rachel Michaels, director of student wellness support services at California University of Pennsylvania, is easier said than done.
“I don’t know if you watched the debates, but they couldn’t communicate civilly or effectively,” she noted.
Hoeke said he was shocked at the hostility the election elicited among Americans.
“I’ll be honest, I have never before seen open harassment and hatred of other people who vote differently or think differently be so acceptable, and that is what is most heartbreaking to me,” he said. “We’ve allowed this space for people to not attack issues, but to attack other citizens. And I think that starts at the top and flows down to ordinary citizens.”
Cal U.’s Michaels said young adults told her they felt uncomfortable expressing their political opinions to family members and friends who have different views, so they often avoided conversations “to avoid stirring the pot.”
“A lot of young people have forgotten how to have uncomfortable conversations, especially when people are deeply rooted in an opposing belief,” she said.
It’s OK, the experts said, to seek professional counseling to heal broken relationships.
“Sometimes, we’re at the point where we cannot work through interpersonal conflicts unless we have an outside mediator to help us,” said Hoeke, who, in some cases, recommends setting boundaries for the relationship – limiting topics for conversation, the amount of time spent together, or the settings where family and friends meet.
Jankoski, who has been posting healing messages on Facebook “because that’s where we are right now, that’s what we need,” encourages Americans to “come together” and to “respect other people.”
“Everybody’s talking today about whether you’re on the right or the left,” she said. “After 9/11, this country pulled together. We can pull together again. It’s just, how do we get there? For me, it’s about being humble, and owning responsibility for our actions and the things we’ve said. It goes back to listening, and wanting to understand, not to screaming and shutting people off.”
Hoeke asked people to remember the influence they have on others.
“Other people watch the way we act and listen to the way we talk,” he said. “Hatred and rejection of other people spreads like a virus. So does love, empathy and understanding. If we act and speak in empathetic an loving ways, it will spread.”