Columnist

Mike Buzzelli is a stand-up comedian and published author. His book, "Below Average Genius" is a collection of essays culled from his weekly humor column here in the Observer-Reporter.

I have reluctantly entered the 21st century, kicking and screaming. I bought a new cellphone. The latest one. I now own the iPhone 12S with 5G. All those letters and numbers impress my tech-savvy friends, but I have no idea what it means. I just have to say the letters and numbers in the right order, and I get ‘ohhs’ and ‘ahhs.’”

I walked into the Verizon store and met Ginger. Yes, it’s her real name, and yes, she had red hair. It wasn’t just red. She had long, curly locks like Merida, the highlander princess from Disney’s “Brave.” She looked just like her, but without the bow and arrow.

Ginger explained that the newest iPhone does everything but make coffee and darn socks.

Side note: Does anyone darn socks these days? If I get a hole in a sock, I chuck them, after I check the mismatched pile and see if there’s a potential mate hiding somewhere. I have an entire drawer dedicated to irregular socks.

Additional side note: Irregular Socks would be a great name for a punk band, or a cat with three legs.

But I digress, like I do. I am not the kind of person who has to have the latest, coolest device. It is far out of character for me to go high-tech.

I usually have to tell the IT guys at work to “explain it to me as if you were talking to the Amish.” I tried that line once when I was living in Los Angeles, but the IT guy knew I was from Pennsylvania and actually thought I was Amish. Once, during a PowerPoint slide presentation he turned to me and said, “This must look like magic to you.”

I’m not gonna lie. It kinda did.

I went from Archie’s jalopy to the Batmobile. It’s going to take me a while to figure it all out.

Ginger explained to me that the phone has OLED Super Retina XDR and an A14 bionic chip, and the camera comes with Night Mode and time-lapse photography capabilities.

I asked, “Does it come in blue?”

She said, “Yes,” and I said, “OK. I want one.”

Of course, I had no idea what she was saying, but it came in blue. A bright blue she called Superman Blue. That’s really all I needed to know.

“How much?” and “What colors does it come in?” were my only questions.

I remember my first cellphone. It flipped open like a communicator on Star Trek. You could only make calls and text on it. Remember the early days of texting? Those early sentences were green letters and numbers in that blocky, digital clock font. Now, people send yellow stars, green clovers, red hearts and purple eggplants. It’s like Lucky Charms cereal became a language.

P.S. Don’t make me explain the eggplants.

Nowadays, I send my friends GIFs, memes, YouTube clips and songs. My phone is so advanced I don’t even talk to people on it.

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