Q. I’ve read your column ever since you taught my sex ed class in high school. Last week’s column resonated. I wanted to share two things: First, I remember you teaching about healthy relationships in school. I thought I knew everything there was to know about sex when I first had your class, and I acted all cocky – I was a hotshot jock and my buddies looked up to me. I thought I didn’t need your class. I went because my mom pushed me. 10 plus years later, I’m here to tell you how wrong I was. I knew it right away, but I was too proud to tell you. You saw right through me. Your class was more about life than sex, really. It made me think, every time. You helped me see I was going about relationships all wrong.
My second reason for writing is because I went through an unhealthy relationship in college. Most people think only girls make those kinds of mistakes and settle for the wrong person, but I sure did it. I was flattered by my first college girlfriend’s attention. She was beautiful and I felt good showing her off. Then, I realized she was shallow and self-focused. I broke it off. A few years later, she cheated on my friend. Relationships are important, no matter your gender. Your advice to the teen was great. Be you now. I just got engaged to the right person. She was worth the wait. Thank you for mentoring me.
Mary Jo’s Response: Your email gave me so much joy!
Thank you for your kind and generous words.
You are correct. Gender has nothing to do with choosing healthy relationships or with maintaining them. Our culture stereotypically assigns sorrow over break-ups to women, but I’ve known many young men who were disappointed when relationships ended. Having a healthy relationship is a human need.
One of the books I assign to my college Ed Psych class is “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys,” by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. Even though the book is older, I ask my students to read and discuss its concepts. The authors say boys in the U.S. are raised to deny all emotions except anger. Without experience communicating feelings or prioritizing partnerships where both individuals are respected and able to grow, some boys do not know how to connect well.
Reaching out to me means a great deal for another reason. I started peer education in 1995 because I believe reciprocal teaching – young people teaching other young people – is the best way to teach. In asking me to print your thoughts, you took on the role of teacher. Your words will resonate with another young man who identifies with the teen you were. Think of it: Is there anything more vital in life than mentoring another person? If a 15-year-old hotshot who thinks he knows everything learns from you, my teaching comes full circle. Nothing gives me more joy than mentoring others to connect. Life is a learning experience. Thank you for teaching with me!
Congratulations on your engagement. I am thrilled for you.
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