Columnist

Dave Molter is a freelance writer and Golden Quill and Keystone Press Awards winner. He also is a freelance musician in the Pittsburgh area.

Just when you thought 2020 was going to be the most boring, lifeless year ever, it’s time for the August News Quiz:

1. Last week, President Donald Trump solved his obsession with showerhead pressure by:

a) Appointing a dolphin Secretary of Energy.

b) Complaining that lack of showerhead water pressure made it hard to have his hair come out “perfect,” causing the EPA to reevaluate regulations concerning multiple-nozzle showerheads.

c) Making Vice President Mike Pence stand on a higher ladder while dumping buckets of water on the president’s head during showers.

d) Watching reruns of “Sea Hunt” for clues as to how its star, Lloyd Bridges, always had such great hair even after skin diving.

2. On the day his Florida county recorded its highest COVID-19 death toll, Marion County Sheriff Billy Woods mandated that sheriff’s office employees and visitors to his office must not wear a face mask. What other rules did Woods establish?

a) Officers and visitors to his office must remove their pants because to circumvent heat prostration.

b) Officers must wear a mask “at the courthouse, schools, hospitals and while on patrol and responding to a nursing home or involving a High Risk Elderly individual.’”

c) Officers are permitted to wear masks as long as they are the type of large artificial heads worn by characters at Disney World.

d) Officers must call Sheriff Woods “the rootin’est, tootin’est, shootin’est, bobtail wildcat in the West!”

3. Rapper Kanye West is running for president. In an interview with Forbes magazine at the beginning of August, West admitted that his campaign is designed to siphon votes away from Democrat Joe Biden. What other revelations about West’s campaign have we heard recently?

a) That one of the signatures collected to place West’s name on the ballot in Wisconsin is that of “Mickey Mouse.”

b) That West is not running for president but, rather, “walking … to win.”

c) That West is “designing a school within the next month” and “meeting with (Education Secretary) Betsy DeVos about the post-COVID curriculum.”

d) All of the above.

4. A cat that was detained at a Sri Lankan high-security prison on suspicion of smuggling drugs to inmates escaped when guards came to feed it, a local newspaper reported. Police said they suspect that drug traffickers who trained the cat to carry drugs attached to its collar are part of the same cartel caught using an eagle to smuggle drugs. Historically, which other animals have been using to smuggle drugs?

a) Speedy Gonzalez.

b) Wrestler George “The Animal” Steele.

c) Punxsutawney Phil.

d) None of the above.

5. In a press briefing last week, President Trump stated that the Spanish Flu pandemics “of 1917 … probably ended the Second World War (because) … all the soldiers were sick.” What is wrong with these statements?

a) The Spanish Flu took place in 1918 and 1919, not 1917.

b) WWII took place from 1939 to 1945, not 1914 to 1917.

c) WWI did not end because “all the soldiers were sick” but because:

1) Germany and the Allies signed the Treaty of Versailles.

2) TV ratings for the war were down.

3) It was time for WWII to start.

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