Columnist

Dave Molter is a freelance writer and Golden Quill and Keystone Press Awards winner. He also is a freelance musician in the Pittsburgh area.

June is bustin’ out all over. Which may explain why I begin the month with a rant.

  • And yet, we persist: Why does Facebook allow the posting of stupid ads under multiple company names? During the past week I have deleted or reported at least 100 ads for garden gnomes clad in medieval armor, fairies, forest sprites and other mythical creatures. All the same ad, under multiple business names. Now, some of you may say that Facebook is tracking me via webcam and has decided that I must be a Hobbit. I assure you, although I may have Second Breakfast, I am not from the Shire. I am very tempted to buy 1,000 garden gnomes and smash them all in a video that I’m sure Facebook will block for violating its non-existent “community standards.”
  • Iguana get to the bottom of this department: Is the ratio of stupid people to sane people higher in Florida, or does it just seem that way? (I don’t include Gov. Ron DeSantis, who is stupid enough on his own to skew the curve.) Here’s why I ask, taken from a story by CNN:

A Florida man accused of killing an iguana last year wanted a charge of animal cruelty dismissed on the basis of the state’s “stand your ground” law. PJ Nilaja Patterson was arrested after allegedly beating, dragging and kicking a 3-foot iguana in Lake Worth, Fla., on Sept. 2. His attorneys said Patterson was trying to save the animal from getting run over by cars when the animal bit his right arm. In this case, Patterson’s attorneys said in a motion, their client “acted in a reasonable manner under all the circumstances because the wild iguana was first to engage with physical violence.” A judge dismissed the motion. State attorney Alexandra Dorman argued that “The State’s position is that Stand Your Ground does not even apply to this case because the iguana is not a human being.” They had to go to court to prove this?

  • Sticks and stones department: A Facebook post asked “What words or phrases can you do without?” Here are my Top 10:

“Woke”

“Snowflake”

“Cancel culture”

“Curated”

“Wake-up call”

“Sea change”

“World-class”

“World’s best (Insert your product here.)”

“Get in the hole!” (Screamed after every tee shot in PGA tournaments.)

“Agenda”

  • And speaking of agendas, Disney is not “pushing its gay agenda” by including a gay character in the new film “Cruella,” as one failed Republican congressional candidate from California complained on Twitter. “The new Disney ‘Cruella’ with Emma Stone just ruined my childhood with an openly, flamboyant gay in the movie,” Omar Navarro tweeted. I kinda sympathize, I was crushed when I finally learned that a streetwise mutt was not gonna take my Cocker Spaniel out for a spaghetti dinner. But I was 6 years old, not an adult running for office. Omar, LGBQT+ people exist in everyday life. If your childhood can be ruined by seeing something real in a fantasy film, revelations about Santa and The Easter Bunny must have crushed you.

I have more, but I feel threatened by a two rogue chipmunks in my back yard.

See you in court, Chip and Dale!

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