Columnist

Dave Molter is a freelance writer and Golden Quill and Keystone Press Awards winner. He also is a freelance musician in the Pittsburgh area.

It’s September, and time for our annual Back-to-School news quiz:

1. “Nuke the Hurricane” is

a) The latest WWE villain

b) What President Donald Trump says would be a great way to stop tropical storms from hitting the U.S.

c) A neo-punk band from Warsaw

d) My neighbor’s Boxer puppy

e) All of the above

2. Former Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown threatened to retire from football because:

a. The locker room attendant placed Antonio’s shoes in his locker backwards and it took him most of warmups to figure out which was which.

b. Someone else sat in his spot on the bench.

c. He heard the Raiders’ quarterback say, “I overthrew Antonio,” and assumed a coup was in the making.

d. The league ruled that he would not be allowed to use his preferred helmet.

e. California girls aren’t as pretty as the Beach Boys said they are.

3. Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro turned down an offer by member nations of the G7 to give the country $20 million to help fight fires in the Amazon rainforest because:

a. Money won’t help because it burns when you dump it onto the fire from planes.

b. President Donald Trump offered to send detained Latino immigrant children to fight the fires.

c. Home Depot is having a special on rakes this month.

d. The fires will burn out as soon as they reach the Amazon River.

e. Bolsonaro was offended because French President Emmanuel Macron said mean things about him after Bolsonaro dissed Macron’s wife.

4. Before leaving for the G7 summit, President Trump floated the idea of buying Greenland from Denmark. Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen shot down the offer as “absurd.” If she had accepted the offer, what else might Trump offer to buy?

a. Redland, Orangeland, Yellowland, Indigoland and Violetland so “we own all the colors.”

b. The Amazon rainforest

c. Boardwalk, Park Place and Reading Railroad

d. All of Canada’s drugs

e. Ellis Island

5. As Tropical Storm Dorian approached Puerto Rico last week, President Trump tweeted: “Wow! Yet another big storm heading to Puerto Rico. Will it ever end?” What other might some of other president’s other weather-related tweets be?

a. “Sun set again. Will it ever rise?”

b. “Snow predicted for Rockies. Sad.”

c. “Obama could have stopped these hurricanes, but didn’t.”

d. “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Could it really happen?”

e. “And if it does, will road crews be able to handle all that spaghetti?”

6. Bonus question: An Illinois farm famous for its corn mazes unveiled a 28-acre maze designed as a tribute to the Apollo 11 moon landing. What other themed mazes might it spawn?

a. A maze at the U.S.-Mexico border that leads Latino immigrants back to their home countries

b. A maze to replace the Rose Garden at the White House to thwart media efforts to find President Trump

c. The MLB Spring Training 2020 Maze: All 30 MLB teams must enter, but only the Pirates manager will be told the correct path to the World Series

d. A maze around Puerto Rico that all tropical storms will have to enter, confusing them until they blow themselves out

e. All of the above

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